Background:
This letter is based on a real story of one
of our member, who had a tough time with his/her roommates. Of course we did
some modification. But most of the cases in the letter are what really
happened. The letter mainly complained about the conflicts between roommates, the
feelings of the complainer to his/her roommates and the following measures
suggested.
Dear Jim:
I’m very sorry to have to write you this letter, but you have left me no
other choice. I have tried to discuss this issue with you in person, but you
always come back home late or you are sleeping in daytime. As such, I have forwarded
this letter to you in an attempt to get these issues resolved.
You always come back home late, usually after 11:00 at night. Sometimes,
you even live outside. You have few words with us. When you come back, you will
open your computer and play computer games with your friends. You will wear a
headphone and talk to your friends. We can hear what you say clearly from our
bedrooms. Usually, you will play for about two or three hours, then you will go
to sleep. On the second day, you will sleep until midday. Your living room is
in a mess. We can see clothes, socks or pants everywhere. You never clean your
room.
You
always slam your door with a very loud voice. And you never wash your dishes
after dinner. Sometimes you even use my dishes and leave them unwashed so that
I have to go out to eat. I remember once, you pushed me to clean the washbasin.
After I cleaning the washbasin, I vomited. I told you I didn’t feel well, why
didn’t you listen to me? And I even don’t understand why you gave me tens of
coins as the electricity fee every time. I got more than 100 coins from you
until now.
As my roommate, I understand that you have an equal right to enjoy the
space we live in. However, I really want to tell you that your behaviors
bothered me a lot.The voice of your playing
computer at midnight and talking to your friends really drives me crazy. Don’t
you know that other people were sleeping when you were playing your games? Your
voice has seriously disturbed our rest. And I feel really disappointed with
your mess living room. Every time I pass your place, I would be stuck by your
stuff and I really hate that. I can’t even bring my friends to our home. You
should think more about other people, taking others’ feeling into
consideration. This is the place where we live together, right?
If you want to use
something of other’s, why don’t you ask for other’s consents in the first
place? I feel very angry about your using my stuff unauthorized, for I feel not
being respected. Only if you respect others can others respect you. We are all
from one-child families, I think we need more mutual understanding instead of
self-centered. If you want to get a clean room or a clean environment, do not
rely on others. You should earn the respect from others by yourself. I guess
you want to spend your coins since they are too heavy. But they are also heavy
to me! And I cannot give all these coins to people who charge the fee. How can
you not consider my feeling? Frankly speaking, I was really pissed off by your
selfish behaviors.
If
this situation continues, I have to take measures to solve this problem, since
it did affect my living condition. Actually, I need to talk to you and all of
us three have to sit together to have a conference. To negotiate how we should
act in a proper way. We should list the facts that we did not perform properly
and the facts that we cannot give up. By discussion, we may have a clear way to
correct ourselves behavior and all of us should take into action. Then our relationship
would get better and more furnished.
Also,
there is still one way that I can figure out. In the case of you feel the injustice;
you may invite someone as the third party to watch the process. If there is
anything that is unfair to you, the person can speak it out for you. We also do
not want others to say we two challenge you with power. This conversation will
be the most formal between us, which allows us exchange the ideas and repair
our relationship. We take it significant to reform the damaged rules and please
consider it equally significant as we reckon. Do not miss the last chance to
resolve your grievances and set new orders with our willing. We will also
appreciate your devotion both in time and effort.
Or, if you do not spare any effort to do the correction, Jack and I
would teach you and give you another chance. If you still do nothing to comfort
us, we would no longer show tolerance toward you. Also, if you do not attend
the conference, we will no longer be friends or so-called roommates. There is
no necessary conversation between us, which we both parties do not want to
witness.
Yours Mike
Analysis
About
the aims of the letter
I think this class can provide us a good
way to express our real feelings and thoughts through this kind of assignment.
Although the letter is adapted from a true story, we do not expect the letter
would solve the conflict between the team member and his/her roommates. We just
want to show the facts that happened and want to express the real feelings.
Actually no one can be perfectly objective or possess absolute rationality. We
have tried our best to have a fair and objective perspective to tell the story.
We hope this letter will cause some thinking on how to communicate with people
and how to get along well with people. And we also welcome the follow-up
discussion on this problem.
About
the writing process
At the beginning we discussed for a long
time on how to determine the topic. Then we decided to write a complaint letter
for roommates because dormitory conflicts seems to be a very popular topic and
some of our team members suffered similar problems. So we thought this topic is
a good idea and it aroused our sympathy.
Ladder
of inference.
Actually a number of facts are listed in the
first part and Mike tried to tell things in a narrative way. But as a matter of
fact, Mike might have already been in the ladder of inference because what Mike
saw might have been selected in his head. He had his assumptions before and
drew a conclusion on Jim, so what he saw is based on the assumptions and conclusions
in his head. Since Jim didn't leave a good image on him (few words/back home
late), his impression on Jim can’t be good. And what happened next just worsen
the image. So ladder of inference will create bad judgement on a person. And
that was only one possible situation.
Ladder of inference is a graphically
illustration of how Mental model affects people to form conclusions and
beliefs. Mental model is first proposed in 1943 by a Scottish psychologist
Kenneth Craik. Peter Senge defines it as: deep-rooted presence in people's
minds, influence how people understand the world (including ourselves, others,
the organization and the world), as well as how to take action based on many
assumptions, prejudices, logic, rules, and even images impression, etc.
So
the ladder of inference is just a type of manifestations of how your entrenched
ideas affect your understanding and reaction. And wrong thoughts will create
conflicts to your life and that was what we are trying to avoid. So Jim was
deemed to be a person who loves playing games and never taking care of others
and somewhat doesn’t respect others.
Lacking
Communication
One of the reasons that causes conflicts might
be from the ladder of inference, Another one might be from the lacking of
communication. As mentioned before, Jim left people an impression of uncommunicative
and love playing games, also a little bit mean and dirty. This image can be
changed by doing more communication. The thing is they do not even have a
chance to talk to each other about the problem, since these people do not have
a unified schedule. Jim always comes back home when his roommates are asleep. So
conflicts are just like a snowball, keep growing. We strongly believe that if
there was enough communication, their relationship wouldn't be that bad.
Conflicts are always there. It is just that we can’t make it grow. Huge
conflicts finally make Mike burst out. He showed strong feelings of angry and disappointment
in the middle of the letter.
Measures to improve the situation
Reflection
Reflection can provide both sides a way to
re-examine the issue. Without complaining about others, find the answer from our
own. Through reflection, we may find omissions. As old Chinese saying goes:” 静坐常思己过” Sitting
quietly, often reflect on your own fault. People always like to see other’s
fault first instead of looking inside their own, right? But looking outside, conflicts
are more likely to be created. When you look inside, peace and truth are more
likely to be created. Actually, there is a term called Vipassana which is
from ancient India. Translated into Chinese is“
内观“. That is to say,
to look inside your heart and somehow you might find out the answer of the truth. You
may notice what you ignored and that find out that you might be thoughtless.
Perspective
thinking
Seeing things from other’s perspective can
be
really helpful in some cases. Just pretend to be Jim and start to analyze the
whole thing. Maybe Mike also has done something wrong before. And what he
suffered is just Jim’s revenge. Or he didn't notice that his behavior disturbed
his roommates because he couldn't hear his own voice by wearing headphones. That
sounds like finding excuses for him. But that helps to think out of the box.
Deep
communication
In the last part of the letter, we
mentioned that a third party can play an important role in improving the
communication. The existence of a third party will relieve the tension to some
extent. Both sides would get a certain degree of security so that they are willing to
create a dialogue. Deep communication is meant to establish common sense, not
to create opposition. In the conversation, people will abandon prejudice and
use rational thinking and listening to find out real truth that hidden behind
things. I guess through this kind of communication, more things will come
clear. Some conflicts will be avoided.
Other
insights
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Resolve conflicts when they are not serious
and develop a rule at the very beginning
Do not accumulate conflicts. Most of the
time, Chinese people prefer to tolerant others when they feel offended. Then
this feeling will grow like a cancer with the time goes by. Just put the
problem on the table and speak out the feelings at beginning of the
relationship instead of bursting out when it is irremediable.
Develop the rule in the first place so that
everybody would know what is the boundary and which line should not be crossed.
Similarly, that’s why the society needs law. People’s behaviors need to be
regulated or else conflicts will happen.
Reference:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_model
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