Background:
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This letter is based on a real story of one
of our member, who had a tough time with his/her roommates. Of course we did
some modification. But most of the cases in the letter are what really
happened. The letter mainly complained about the conflicts between roommates, the
feelings of the complainer to his/her roommates and the following measures
suggested.
Dear Jim:
I’m very sorry to have to write you this letter, but you have left me no
other choice. I have tried to discuss this issue with you in person, but you
always come back home late or you are sleeping in daytime. As such, I have forwarded
this letter to you in an attempt to get these issues resolved.
You always come back home late, usually after 11:00 at night. Sometimes,
you even live outside. You have few words with us. When you come back, you will
open your computer and play computer games with your friends. You will wear a
headphone and talk to your friends. We can hear what you say clearly from our
bedrooms. Usually, you will play for about two or three hours, then you will go
to sleep. On the second day, you will sleep until midday. Your living room is
in a mess. We can see clothes, socks or pants everywhere. You never clean your
room.
You
always slam your door with a very loud voice. And you never wash your dishes
after dinner. Sometimes you even use my dishes and leave them unwashed so that
I have to go out to eat. I remember once, you pushed me to clean the washbasin.
After I cleaning the washbasin, I vomited. I told you I didn’t feel well, why
didn’t you listen to me? And I even don’t understand why you gave me tens of
coins as the electricity fee every time. I got more than 100 coins from you
until now.
As my roommate, I understand that you have an equal right to enjoy the
space we live in. However, I really want to tell you that your behaviors
bothered me a lot.The voice of your playing
computer at midnight and talking to your friends really drives me crazy. Don’t
you know that other people were sleeping when you were playing your games? Your
voice has seriously disturbed our rest. And I feel really disappointed with
your mess living room. Every time I pass your place, I would be stuck by your
stuff and I really hate that. I can’t even bring my friends to our home. You
should think more about other people, taking others’ feeling into
consideration. This is the place where we live together, right?
If you want to use
something of other’s, why don’t you ask for other’s consents in the first
place? I feel very angry about your using my stuff unauthorized, for I feel not
being respected. Only if you respect others can others respect you. We are all
from one-child families, I think we need more mutual understanding instead of
self-centered. If you want to get a clean room or a clean environment, do not
rely on others. You should earn the respect from others by yourself. I guess
you want to spend your coins since they are too heavy. But they are also heavy
to me! And I cannot give all these coins to people who charge the fee. How can
you not consider my feeling? Frankly speaking, I was really pissed off by your
selfish behaviors.
If
this situation continues, I have to take measures to solve this problem, since
it did affect my living condition. Actually, I need to talk to you and all of
us three have to sit together to have a conference. To negotiate how we should
act in a proper way. We should list the facts that we did not perform properly
and the facts that we cannot give up. By discussion, we may have a clear way to
correct ourselves behavior and all of us should take into action. Then our relationship
would get better and more furnished.
Also,
there is still one way that I can figure out. In the case of you feel the injustice;
you may invite someone as the third party to watch the process. If there is
anything that is unfair to you, the person can speak it out for you. We also do
not want others to say we two challenge you with power. This conversation will
be the most formal between us, which allows us exchange the ideas and repair
our relationship. We take it significant to reform the damaged rules and please
consider it equally significant as we reckon. Do not miss the last chance to
resolve your grievances and set new orders with our willing. We will also
appreciate your devotion both in time and effort.
Or, if you do not spare any effort to do the correction, Jack and I
would teach you and give you another chance. If you still do nothing to comfort
us, we would no longer show tolerance toward you. Also, if you do not attend
the conference, we will no longer be friends or so-called roommates. There is
no necessary conversation between us, which we both parties do not want to
witness.
Yours Mike
Analysis
About
the aims of the letter
I think this class can provide us a good
way to express our real feelings and thoughts through this kind of assignment.
Although the letter is adapted from a true story, we do not expect the letter
would solve the conflict between the team member and his/her roommates. We just
want to show the facts that happened and want to express the real feelings.
Actually no one can be perfectly objective or possess absolute rationality. We
have tried our best to have a fair and objective perspective to tell the story.
We hope this letter will cause some thinking on how to communicate with people
and how to get along well with people. And we also welcome the follow-up
discussion on this problem.
About
the writing process
At the beginning we discussed for a long
time on how to determine the topic. Then we decided to write a complaint letter
for roommates because dormitory conflicts seems to be a very popular topic and
some of our team members suffered similar problems. So we thought this topic is
a good idea and it aroused our sympathy.
Ladder
of inference.
Actually a number of facts are listed in the
first part and Mike tried to tell things in a narrative way. But as a matter of
fact, Mike might have already been in the ladder of inference because what Mike
saw might have been selected in his head. He had his assumptions before and
drew a conclusion on Jim, so what he saw is based on the assumptions and conclusions
in his head. Since Jim didn't leave a good image on him (few words/back home
late), his impression on Jim can’t be good. And what happened next just worsen
the image. So ladder of inference will create bad judgement on a person. And
that was only one possible situation.
Ladder of inference is a graphically
illustration of how Mental model affects people to form conclusions and
beliefs. Mental model is first proposed in 1943 by a Scottish psychologist
Kenneth Craik. Peter Senge defines it as: deep-rooted presence in people's
minds, influence how people understand the world (including ourselves, others,
the organization and the world), as well as how to take action based on many
assumptions, prejudices, logic, rules, and even images impression, etc. 
So
the ladder of inference is just a type of manifestations of how your entrenched
ideas affect your understanding and reaction. And wrong thoughts will create
conflicts to your life and that was what we are trying to avoid. So Jim was
deemed to be a person who loves playing games and never taking care of others
and somewhat doesn’t respect others.
Lacking
Communication
One of the reasons that causes conflicts might
be from the ladder of inference, Another one might be from the lacking of
communication. As mentioned before, Jim left people an impression of uncommunicative
and love playing games, also a little bit mean and dirty. This image can be
changed by doing more communication. The thing is they do not even have a
chance to talk to each other about the problem, since these people do not have
a unified schedule. Jim always comes back home when his roommates are asleep. So
conflicts are just like a snowball, keep growing. We strongly believe that if
there was enough communication, their relationship wouldn't be that bad.
Conflicts are always there. It is just that we can’t make it grow. Huge
conflicts finally make Mike burst out. He showed strong feelings of angry and disappointment
in the middle of the letter.
Measures to improve the situation
Reflection
Reflection can provide both sides a way to
re-examine the issue. Without complaining about others, find the answer from our
own. Through reflection, we may find omissions. As old Chinese saying goes:” 静坐常思己过” Sitting
quietly, often reflect on your own fault. People always like to see other’s
fault first instead of looking inside their own, right? But looking outside, conflicts
are more likely to be created. When you look inside, peace and truth are more
likely to be created. Actually, there is a term called Vipassana which is
from ancient India. Translated into Chinese is“内观“. That is to say,
to look inside your heart and somehow you might find out the answer of the truth. You
may notice what you ignored and that find out that you might be thoughtless.
Perspective
thinking
Seeing things from other’s perspective can
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Deep
communication
In the last part of the letter, we
mentioned that a third party can play an important role in improving the
communication. The existence of a third party will relieve the tension to some
extent. Both sides would get a certain degree of security so that they are willing to
create a dialogue. Deep communication is meant to establish common sense, not
to create opposition. In the conversation, people will abandon prejudice and
use rational thinking and listening to find out real truth that hidden behind
things. I guess through this kind of communication, more things will come
clear. Some conflicts will be avoided.
Other
insights
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Resolve conflicts when they are not serious
and develop a rule at the very beginning
Do not accumulate conflicts. Most of the
time, Chinese people prefer to tolerant others when they feel offended. Then
this feeling will grow like a cancer with the time goes by. Just put the
problem on the table and speak out the feelings at beginning of the
relationship instead of bursting out when it is irremediable.
Develop the rule in the first place so that
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Reference:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_model
Good Job everybody! I have read through your blog. It is an interesting and also common conflict in our daily life! To avoid such conflict, I think living alone is the best solution! Ok, just a joke. Your blog content reminds me of my content of assignment 2. LIVING CLOCK is a big problem. Everyone has his/her own habit, and it is really difficult to adjust. I hold deep empathy for you! However, trying to find a good solution does matter! I think deep communication can help to a certain degree but is not so helpful! it matters to let him/her know the philosophy of the life. Your roommate does not know how to respect others' living habit. He/She is selfish. I think your complaint letter clearly explain your conflicts and your bad feelings. Reflection and Perspective thinking are good ways to solve the bad situation, I think.
回复删除A very common conflicts; and a kind of very wise analysis and available solutions.
回复删除In our daily life, we cannot avoid involving in such kinds of issues which is actually due to the inherent living habits. I have discussed with my friends about the dormitory conflicts and I finally hold the view that dormitory conflicts have nothing to do with personal characteristics, not even something about ethics or self-cultivation because each of us have formed some habits separately before we met and lived together. However, we still should try our best to understand and respect others’ living habits and try not to offend their values and benefits especially when they have already put the issue on the table and try to solve it.
I think your six perspectives analysis are comprehensive and objective enough; but maybe the structure of the whole article is a kind of inflexible which cannot meet the requirement of the assignment. Also, beyond a complain letter, your blog gives me more feelings about an analysis of issues and the corresponding solutions towards each aspect. Maybe you can use some proper transition sentence to connect the article together, which should be better than show it separately. Thanks for your good analysis and positive energy standing in a very rational position to try to understand your roommates and still want to be friends with him.
I think this paper has relatively a clear structure: complaint letter itself, why chose this case to study for, and analysis. And I think the complaint letter contains three main parts as mentioned in Frank's instruction. But I also think that three parts could be separated more clearly, means, first to write "Facts only", then to write "opinions/feelings", last to write "next step". To me, you mixed the facts with feelings sometimes in your writing. But you done very elaborately in proposing the solutions.
回复删除Finally, from your statements of "So the ladder of inference is just a type of manifestations of how your entrenched ideas affect your understanding and reaction", & "One of the reasons that causes conflicts might be from the ladder of inference, Another one might be from the lacking of communication", I guess you have quite different understanding of the "Ladder of Inference" from me. For me, it is a tool or an approach that could help us to analyse why we would have conflicts. It's not a cause of conflict.
Dear Team 11,
回复删除Thank you for your sharing,
I raised two more reason to explain why conflicts happen so frequently in dorms. You may use them in stepping down from the ladder of inference.
First, when we rented the house, we knew little about the dorm mates. Even though we put post with long list of requirement, we could still find wrong dorm mates, since we almost know nothing about the person.
Secondly, we cannot get used to different life styles in short time. As I have mentioned in other bloggers. Human beings are not good at change. For instance, if I sleep early and get up early while you are a night person. Now I require you to follow me. It takes you time to adjust your living clock. The situation is complex in our dorms since we are sharing the house with several persons. It means that we have to get used to living with people who speak loudly, stay up late or get pretty early. We just have one year of study, when we successfully adjust the living habit of others, we finish mater degree. Or what is worse, we can not change at all and conflicts raise.
Here, I do not aim to find reasons to help Jim. I just want to give you more data in stepping down from the ladder of inference.
After talking about the reasons leading to the conflict. Let us talk more about the solution. Obviously, face to face talking is a good way. Before the meeting, you can arrange the agenda and tell Jim that you two will list the topics in the meeting to show that you are serious about the meeting and you are honest to talk with him.
删除During the meeting, in the process of persuasion, please be patient to Jim. In the book of confession of an advertising man, in order to sell the idea, you need to spend time listening to the counter party. So is persuasion. Taking his perspective and then giving him suggestion and solution to show your respects and honesty.
Thank you for your sharing. It is a usual issue among us and of course, it is hard to solve. Whenever your solve the problem peacefully, please inform us and tell the wonderful story to us.
Interesting story. But as you mentioned: "Although the letter is adapted from a true story, we do not expect the letter would solve the conflict between the team member and his/her roommates." Why? I think if you send out this letter, it's the first step that you guys can sit down and solve the problems.
回复删除In my opinion, the complaint letter is a bit too emotional. If I am the reader, I would definitely feel angry. Your analysis is quit good. Your suggestions on measures to solve the problem is logical too.
But about the 3rd party intervention, I doubt whether it can help to ease the tension? You know, most of the case, if you ask the offender to invite a 3rd party to join a meeting, this person will usually invite his own friend to support him. And the tension would become more worst. So in this case, I would rather suggest to invite a 3rd party who has the authority / status and is highly respected by both the conflict parties. And of course, this person shouldn't have preference to either side of the parties.
Hi, this is 53926420. This is case is most of us we may encounter when we live with others. We also know different people have different habit, we have to understand and respect each other. But some person like this case Jim, he really neglect others, it seems the room only belongs to him. Complaint letter avoid direct disruptive conflict, but maybe it's not enough for daily communication. In the complaint letter, we can find most of the things are daily, tiny life habits. Maybe others can politely and directly communicate with him, tell him how to do better, help him. He maybe is lack of independence, don't know how to live with friends.
回复删除In this case, direct and polite talking maybe more effective than letter.
I do agree with 53926420. Direct and polite talk is more effective than a letter.
回复删除Actually, I think after the compliant letter is sent, the situation would be even worst.
In my point, not only Jim, but also both of you are selfishness.
You said you want to discuss but always no change as Jim always late back and sleep until the midday. I think it just an excuse. If you really want to settle the conflict by discussion, why don't you wait until Jim come back one time. Just one time sleep later only. It's much efficient than send letter. Or you said you always be distrubed by the noice after Jim back home, howcome you don't talk to him at once?
You want Jim thinking of your feeling. Howcome you don't change your life style to suit with him? E.g. you can also sleep late, you can invite friends to visit your home, you can become intidiness or even you can use his things by your own....Then, the situation become perfect match....Why you want Jim to change for you both?
Actually, I think the reason of these problem is your peronality is totally difference.
If you can't tolerate it, it is better to find another roommates. Then, Jim and you both can still be a friend(not living together); Otherwise, it is possibly to break down your friendship if you send out the complaint letter.
Sorry for being late. Hogwarts you guys really did a good job! All scenarios have graphs and videos to help audience to digest, and I can sense the hardworking you have. By the way, I really like the stair-mind picture, it’s the best one I see in all blogs. Thank you.
回复删除However while other classmates argued whether this complaint letter will be effective, I need to say something for you guys. I am very familiar to your background settings, and to some extend it’s similar to our team’s. Although you followed few requirements as Frank set, I still can feel you have put yourselves into the real scenario and react to the virtual settings. It’s quite good! Not every one can make it in these assignments. I have to tell you some team’s stories are really DRY but I like yours.
Back to the topic, I noticed some student challenged the ladder of inference you applied. I googled it and found that your understanding was right. For further information, please visit my URL attached. At last I appreciated all comments and your contents, it helps me to review our lessons. Thank you.
First proposed by Chris Argyris, way back in 1970, the ladder of inference is a way of describing how you move from a piece of data (a comment made to you, or something that you have observed to happen), through a series of mental processes to a conclusion.
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/ladder-of-inference.html
Hi Group Hogwarts
回复删除It is very interesting that you write a complaint letter to your roommate as the first step to try to solve the conflicts between you two. In this high-tech environment, it’s quite rare to write letter to the person you know in expressing your feeling, but as you mentioned, it is difficult to ask Jim to sit down and talk, writing a letter maybe an only way you can do.
Although you did not expect the letter work in solving your conflicts, I agree with Katrina that it is already a good start for you two, at least Mike can let Jim know about his behavior was annoying and affected other roommates. It might make Jim willing to talk to Mike proactively.
Back to the analysis, I think your team has good application of the theory “Ladder of Influence”, which make readers have a clear understanding of the theory by your case. In addition, the use of pictures is good, e.g. the picture in the part of “Perspective Thinking”, by seeing this picture, readers know clearly even in the same case, different people have different perception.
Last but not least, your team has clearly stated the case by the complaint letter and has clear explanation of the theories. However, I think it would be better to use a conclusion to summarize the whole story with your analysis, it would be much clearer.
Thank you!
This is 53853876.
回复删除How to be a good roommate, it is a interesting question. When we cannot afford a house, we need to rent a room with others. Due to different custom, some misunderstandings came out. We have read many news about roommate murdering his roommates. That is unfortunate. In order to prevent the misunderstanding getting worse. We need to understand how to express our dissatisfied feeling, and try to solve it. The picture about ladder method instead of boring concepts really impressed me. It is clear and efficient to introduce this useful method. And the analysis about the reason of conflict is accurate, which can help solve the conflict quickly. A good complaint letter sample are shown in the article. But there is another weakness, the structure of blog and fonts which makes people feel uncomfortable after reading it. Thank you for your share！